I took a look at songs that have reached the number one position on Billboard's Hot 100 chart. I looked at every dang chart-topper since 1958, and I made note of the tunes that had no business lording themselves over less-popular songs. Seriously, America, what were we thinking? How did we let these songs happen?
As always, I apologize if the overabundance of YouTube videos hemorrhages your browser.
You can find all the songs from all the Hot 100 charts dating back to way-back-when at Billboard.com, but I sourced all the info from Wikipedia because everything there is organized nice and neat.
"The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" by David Seville and the Chipmunks
#1 from December 22, 1958, to January 18, 1959
It wasn't so odd for a novelty song to reach number one back in the late-1950s. And maybe it wasn't so odd that the song is sung by hula-hoop-loving chipmunks. At Christmastime anything goes. But what was so unreasonably strange about this song is that it remained at number one far into January. "The Chipmunk Song" is like the Christmas tree you're too lazy to take down or the Christmas lights you're convinced will still look good in April or the rank egg nog in the back of the fridge you completely forgot about. Also, is Dave, like, the Chipmunks' father, or what's going on here?
"Sukiyaki" by Kyu Sakamoto
#1 from June 15 to July 5, 1963
The song's original title is "(上を向いて歩こう," but for some reason English-speakers had trouble with the pronunciation (give it a try!). So the tune, already a hit in Japan two years earlier, was renamed "Sukiyaki" and released Stateside. Sukiyaki also happens to be a Japanese-style beef stew. But who cares! Marketing in America! Anyway, people on this side of the Pacific loved it even if they couldn't sing along without sounding like a toddler muttering incoherent nonsense to himself (because that's how I think non-Japanese speakers speak Japanese, I guess).
Incidentally the song was loosely translated and rerecorded by R&B groups A Taste of Honey in 1981 and 4 P.M. in 1994. It was a moderate hit for both but, disappointingly, neither versions expounded on the beef stew theme.
"Dominique" by The Singing Nun
#1 from December 7, 1963, to January 3, 1964
A few months after "Sukiyaki" came "Dominique," a song about I don't know because it's in French. I would not recommend looking up The Singing Nun on Wikipedia unless you want to become very sad. I won't even provide you with a link. Oh, shoot, that was hypertext wasn't it? Well, enjoy your sorrows and cry every time you hear this bouncy French ditty.
ANYWAY, number one hits were getting quite silly at this point, so thankfully the Beatles came to put an end to this crap...
"Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey" by Paul and Linda McCartney
#1 from September 4th to September 10th, 1971
Guh... Nevermind.
I have listened to this song close to a thousand times in my lifetime and I JUST. DON'T. UNDER. STAND. It's like Paul swept up a bunch of random British weirdness off the ground and stuck it all together with yellow ticky-tack and somehow that was a song you could play on the radio.
"My Ding-a-Ling" by Chuck Berry
#1 from October 21 to November 3rd, 1972
Did you know Chuck Berry's only #1 pop single in the US was a song about tallywhackers?
"A Fifth of Beethoven" by Walter Murphy and the Big Apple Band
#1 from October 9 to October 15, 1976
You know what Ludwig Van Beethoven would have loved? Hearing aids, for sure, but more than that... DISCO! Beethoven would have been all over those drum machines and synthesized violins and lines of cocaine and stuff. If only the great composer had taken better care of himself and lived 150 more years who knows what kind of funktacular music he would have written.
By the way, just to show you how messed up the disco era was, the song that knocked "A Fifth of Beethoven" off of the top spot? "DISCO DUCK."
"Medley..." by Stars on 45
#1 from June 20 to June 26, 1981
For what I presume to be legal reasons, the official United States title of this track is "Medley: Intro-Venus-Sugar Sugar-No Reply-I'll Be Back-Drive My Car-Do You Want To Know A Secret-We Can Work It Out-I Should Have Known Better-Nowhere Man-You're Going To Lose That Girl-Stars On 45." Everywhere else in the world it was more reasonably referred to as the "Stars On 45 Medley." The song is a disco mash-up of Beatles tunes (plus "Sugar Sugar" plus the guitar intro to Shocking Blue's "Venus" plus a generic disco intro and outro), but instead of manipulating the original recordings into a funky four-minute mix a band from the Netherlands was hired to lay down completely new recordings.
This bears repeating. That's not John Lennon's voice you're hearing. That's his non-union Dutch equivalent.
"Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-lot
#1 from July 4 to August 7, 1992
This is a song about butts. For 35 days it was the top song in America. Thirty-five days. This song about butts. In America. The top. Song. Butts. That's where poop comes from, you know.
Honorable mention:
"Gangnam Style" by PSY
"Gangnam Style" has held steady at #2 for the past four weeks. I'm already over the song and I wouldn't be terribly upset about not hearing it ever again, but that music video will be mesmerizing forever. I hate how awesome it is and I would totally vote it for president.
This wouldn't be the first time a song became insanely popular based on the merits of its video, but we are now definitively in an era where a website full of bigoted/ignorant/uneducated commenters dictates what music will inescapably saturate our airwaves and become an integral part of our pop culture. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go dance like I'm riding a tiny horse.
