I have very specific rules regarding behavior in public bathrooms. (Or "washrooms" as they call them here in Canada. "Washrooms" and "behaviour".) I'm not quite so thorough at home as I know where I've been, but out among the masses I take the necessary steps to ensure the most ideal bathroom situations possible.
We'll start with the urinals.
If there are three unoccupied urinals in a row, never take the middle one.
If possible, always leave an open urinal between you and the guy next to you.
Always keep your eyes on the road (and never EVER on anybody else's road).
Other suitable places to affix your eyes:
- The wall in front of you.
- The small TV mounted atop the urinal (if you are in a fancy hotel).
- The ceiling.
- Any debris/insects/cigarette butts (aka TARGETS) floating in the water.
- (Some urinals in Europe feature strategically placed artificial targets to help you reduce splash.)
- The blinking red sensor on automatic urinals.
- Anywhere, really, except left or right.
Some guys, when doing business at a urinal, are content to let it all hang out. That's fine, I suppose, as nobody is supposed to be watching anyway. I choose to be more discreet, utilizing my hands and particular articles of clothing as blinders.
Some guys snuggle right up to the urinal. All urinals, in my mind, are dripping with urine. Sometimes we don't have the best aim, and I'm not going to come in contact with anything more than I have to. As a result I actually stand a bit further away than the normal person does. I'm not way back trying to score three-pointers or anything, but I'm going to ensure I'll never get foreign pee on my pants.
As far as flushing a urinal, if I must press a lever or a button (and you should always flush), I'll make a fist and give it a quick bash. Then I'll wash my hands, paying particular attention to that small contact area on my now-tainted skin. You may flush using a disposable tissue or paper towel if you absolutely must avoid skin contact.
Troughs are essentially the same business except there's a lot more cuddling with your fellow peer. Usually found at older stadiums, depending how crowded the event is you may find yourself trying to get the job done while standing shoulder-to-shoulder. Concentrate on the task at hand and remember that the guys on either side of you want to get out of there just as quickly as you do. But, in your haste, don't forget to tuck and zip BEFORE you spin around and face the throng of antsy men behind you.
You may experience some stage fright. This is normal and is nothing to be ashamed of. Should it impede your flow just go to the back of the line and try again.
Tips to get you going:
- Take deep breaths. Ease it out on the exhale.
- Close your eyes. This will help block out distractions. Just make sure you're pointed in the right direction.
- Wait until you're about to explode. Painful, but effective.
- Mentally countdown. Personally, I say "On your mark, get set, go." It works 90% of the time. But don't say it out loud, otherwise people will think you're weird.
On stalls...
First of all, before anything else, ensure ample toilet paper is present.
Next, make sure the stall door latches. At the very least, make sure you can hold it shut.
A good clean seldom-used stall is a rare find. Check the far corners of a large shopping mall or the infrequently-visited floors of your local government building. Airports have public restrooms in the strangest nooks and crannies, so don't simply go to the first (and most heavily populated) bathroom you see when you need to spend quality time dropping some travel weight.
Sometimes you can't have a pristine virgin stall, so you have to do some quick cleaning. I don't use paper toilet covers because they're a hassle and they make me slide all over the place. I don't lay down squares of toilet paper on the seat for the same reason. Instead I rub down the seat with toilet paper, making sure it's dry and speck-free. I even do this at home, though not as vigorously. Be sure to flush before sitting down. Splash back can be a scary thing.
How long is too long to stay in the stall? In my opinion, unless you can tell somebody is waiting on you, you can spend all day in there. It's quiet, it's private, and the toilets are far more powerful than anything you've got at home. But if somebody is meandering around out there don't be a potty hog.
Generally I try to avoid conversations with strangers while doing my business. You might be a more talkative individual, but keep in mind you may be making somebody else's life a living Hell. Personally I'm very uncomfortable with speaking to somebody a few inches away from me while we're both holding our respective junks. The sink is a far better (and cleaner) place to converse.
Back when I worked at a bookstore, I was at a urinal and an older gentleman pulled in beside me. We were both quietly doing our own thing for a while, and then he suddenly said somewhat leeringly, "Are you hiring young boys?" I was in a physically vulnerable position, and my first thought was to get out of there as soon as possible. However, 50% of the world's population knows you can't just stop mid-stream. But he then went on to explain that his teenage son was looking for a job, and I was able to relax again. THIS is why I don't talk to people while watering the flowers.
These aren't things I even have to think about anymore. I do them by instinct and muscle memory. It's a lifestyle. Public bathrooms are different worlds, and my domain is peaceful, organized, and, most importantly, relatively sanitary.
